I recently read an article from Esquire called “Lessons for a young drinker”. Believe it or not, I actually read this article in magazine form. Megan Fox was on the cover and I needed to read something when I went to the beach a few weeks ago.
The general gist of the article is, don’t be an ass, don’t just get blind ass drunk and if you do either of the two, try not to do it again. There’s also an undercurrent of, “become a stuck up person who pretends to know about bottles of (insert current microtrend here)”.
I mean, whatever, I’m not going to dispute what this article says, because as I was reading it, I was like “Hey, that’s pretty good”. However, the title is misleading. To me a young drinker, is 19-22. I like to think of myself as a seasoned drinker.
Here’s my lessons for a young drinker (taking into account my age bracket above).
Listen buds, it’s not high school anymore, this is the time to find your limit. Now better than in the future when you’re drinking with your boss and puke in purse. If you have to puke in purse a couple of times before you identify your maximum, that’s ok. But try not to do it more than 5 times.
Speaking of puking, identify where the best places to puke are when you walk into that keg/frat/beach bonfire/camping/movie theater/concert/80s prom party. Nothing is more embarrassing than puking into the produce drawer, when the sink was right there.
If you’re drinking and you’re a girl do:
- Be that girl every now and then, once it ceases to be fun, that’s when to stop
- Go to a foam party
- Pee in the foam
- Always listen to your friends when they say that guy is not hot
- Jump in the ocean with all your clothes on
- Sing bad songs with your friends
- Lie to guys to get them into bed (“You work at a special ed camp? I once tutored autistic children! In France!”)
- Make out with your other girl friends to get beers/house cups/the liquor in someone’s bedroom
If you’re drinking and you’re a girl don’t:
- Get date raped
- Or cry date rape because you were just really not that into him and wish you didn't hit it
- Climb a fence to get into a party and put your hand on an exposed nail (the only exposed nail on the entire fucking fence)
- Start stupid fights with other girls
- Have sex in full view of everyone
- Think the window is a good escape route
- Eat nachos, then drink some more, to engage your puke reflex
- Work out
Boys, I’m sorry, I’m sure you have your own drinking rules, I won’t try to guess at them.
But I’ll offer a few, do let a girl pee in the men’s room toilet, let her grab your crotch, get her more jungle juice.
Don’t date rape!, laugh at her even if you know she’s lying/faking an orgasm/crying, tell her she can’t crash at your house, even on the couch.
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